It’s easy to recognize toxic behaviours when you’re on the receiving end. But have you ever thought to ask if you might be part of the problem?
Most people who show toxic behaviours don’t mean to cause harm. They think they’re being honest, holding others to high standards, or doing their job. Could this be you?
When you read that question, do you become angry? Do you assume this doesn’t apply to you? Then this article might help.
Types of toxic behaviour
Let’s set aside obvious misconduct like bullying or sexual harassment. If you have toxic behaviours that you aren’t aware of, they’re probably subtle habits that seem harmless to you. But those small, repeated behaviours can undermine a healthy workplace.
You know that’s not your goal; you may even be trying to help. As you continue reading, ask yourself, without any self-blame: Does this sound like me? Are people getting angry at me when I’m trying to help? What could I do better?
Here are some things to look for.
Gossiping
Gossip is the most common and damaging toxic behaviour reported by managers. We all know what gossiping looks like: Talking about others when they’re not there. Sharing “concerns” with third parties. Spreading rumours.
Do you have a group of workplace friends that always hang out together? That might give you a sense of belonging, but it might make others feel excluded. And such groups can be fertile ground for gossip.
You or your group may think you’re just venting or being honest. And honesty is good, right?
If you express yourself directly and you’re sensitive and considerate, yes. But if you’re saying things you wouldn’t want the person you’re talking about to overhear, that’s not honesty. That’s gossip.
Uncollaborative attitudes
Being uncollaborative—a poor “team player”—can look like:
- Believing you’re the most competent person in the room
- Hoarding information or withholding support
- Prioritizing personal wins over the success of the team
- Claiming credit for others’ achievements
- Dodging responsibility when things go badly
- Reacting in a defensive way to feedback
Collaboration is a key skill. In a team environment, teamwork is part of the job. Even if you are the most technically competent team member, you need to work with others.
Microaggressions
Do you make inappropriate jokes and shrug it off as “just kidding”? Even if you don’t make them, do you laugh at them? Do you ever tell people they’re “too sensitive”? These are some of the most common forms of microaggression.
Microaggressions are subtle behaviours or remarks that convey negative messages. They most often target members of marginalized groups. They’re often unintended. But they convey a sense of difference and exclusion.
Microaggressions can be hard to identify and deal with. Doing so means you must look at your own implicit biases or lack of awareness. But if you set aside your defenses, you may learn to overcome a toxic behaviour of your own.
Chronic negativity or complaining
Looking at a situation critically can be an important skill. But constant complaining, fault finding, and cynicism is draining for everyone around you. Being positive, on the other hand, raises morale. It encourages people to focus on solutions.
Here are a few ways to overcome your own negative feelings:
- Greet people with a smile. Don’t ignore people when they greet you.
- Pick your battles. Recognize when issues are less important and let them go.
- When you raise a concern, suggest a solution. For example, “I think this process slows us down. Could we pilot a simpler version?”
Disengagement and underperformance
Do you regularly miss deadlines, fail to meet goals, and make excuses? Is this because you feel overworked, underpaid, or unappreciated? Doing the bare minimum forces others to pick up the slack. It creates resentment and strains relationships.
If you’re burned out, speak up or seek support. Maybe you can change some of your job duties. Perhaps you can do a lateral transfer to a job with new challenges. If not, consider making a change in your employment.
Passive aggression
Almost everything we’ve talked about is a form of passive aggression. More specific examples include:
- Sarcasm (Saying “Wow, good job” when someone makes a mistake.)
- Backhanded compliments (“Congratulations! I really didn’t think you’d do it.”)
- Interrupting or talking over people (It says, “I don’t value what you have to say.”)
- Telling an embarrassing story about someone in front of them.
- Being late or not showing up for an event that you know is important.
- Doing a poor job on purpose (“weaponized incompetence”).
Communicating honestly about negative feelings may feel uncomfortable. But passive aggression makes it harder to resolve conflict effectively.
If something bothers you, say so calmly and directly. For example, you might say, “I felt sidelined in that meeting. I want to be more involved next time.”
Micromanagement
Are you a manager or team leader? Do you sometimes redo team members’ work? Do you obsess over minor details? Do you send late-night emails? These are all signs of micromanaging.
High standards and wanting to help are good. But interfering in others’ work stifles their autonomy and growth. You give them the message that you don’t trust them. You may also push yourself toward burnout.
Set clear expectations, let people deliver, and provide feedback after—not during—the task. This builds trust, and trust builds stronger teams.
Understand the roots of toxic behaviour
Toxic behaviour is rooted in our bodies’ physical response to a perceived threat. It doesn’t matter what the threat is: being cut off in traffic, thinking your job is at risk. When your brain perceives a threat, it tells your body to release adrenaline.
Adrenaline, in part, redirects blood from your brain to your heart, lungs, and muscles. This is the fight-or-flight response. It can make you want to take your anger or frustration out on someone or something.
It also directs blood away from your brain. This reduces your ability to think clearly and choose positive ways to behave.
How to change toxic behaviours
The trick to changing toxic behaviours is easy to describe. But it’s hard to do. You must learn to control your emotions instead of letting your emotions control you. To do this, try following these steps:
- Notice when you start to feel angry or frustrated or stressed. Is your heart beating faster? Do you feel overwhelmed? This is the fight-or-flight response. It’s meant to protect you, but it can sometimes cause you to lash out.
- Calm yourself. Take deep breaths. If you can, remove yourself from the situation and splash cold water on your face. Cold water calms the vagus nerve, the longest nerve in our bodies. This helps bring heart rate and breathing down and think more clearly.
- Identify triggers. Carry a notebook with you and write down when difficult emotions show up. Under deadline stress? Around certain people? Be aware that you might need to pay special attention at these times.
- How do your triggers affect you? Do you feel frustrated, insecure, angry? How do you respond to these feelings? Do you become critical or sarcastic?
- Understand what need you’re trying to meet. Look back in your notebook and ask what the triggering situations had in common. Were they all at the same time of day? Were they with the same person? Were you trying to say you don’t feel heard, in control, appreciated?
Be kind to yourself
The first step to changing is understanding why you do what you do. Understanding doesn’t excuse your behaviour. It also doesn’t change it. To do that, you need to calm your fight-or-flight response. This will help you can think clearly about what you might do differently.
This is much easier said than done. However, the following tips might help:
- Have self-compassion. You’re not a bad person. You’re a person who is trying to do better.
- Ask for honest feedback. Ask someone you trust how your behaviour affects the team or the workplace. Then listen without being defensive. That is, don’t explain, excuse, or say “Yes but …” Just take steps to calm yourself. We all listen better when we’re calm.
- Build your core skills. Work on empathy, communication, and adaptability. Imagine what another person might feel. Really pay attention when other people speak. Try to see the positive in things as well as the negative. Core skills aren’t “extras.” In a team environment, they are as critical as technical ability.
- Practice mindfulness. Adopt habits that help build self-awareness. For example, keep a journal, take up yoga, or learn to meditate. Soon, you will be able to notice when a difficult emotion arises. Then you can choose how you want to respond. This is better than simply reacting—and later regretting.
- Communicate with intention. Prepare for hard conversations by thinking about what you want to say. Offer microaffirmations instead of microaggressions. If you start to get upset, put the conversation on hold if you can. Very little is so important that it can’t wait until a calmer moment.
- Consider professional support. If you find it difficult to change patterns on your own, therapy or coaching can help.
What if it’s someone else?
If your toxic choices are a reaction to what’s happening around you, here’s how to respond:
- Disengage from gossip or drama. Change the subject or respond in a neutral way.
- Don’t retaliate. When you’re on the receiving end of passive aggression, stay calm. Respond only to the direct message. Ignore any implied criticism.
- Set boundaries. Limit what you tell people. Avoid people who misuse information or stir up conflict.
- Speak up if needed. If someone’s behaviour is affecting your performance, write it down with a few details. Then address it directly or bring it to a supervisor’s attention. Be professional and cite the examples you’ve noted.
Sometimes, toxicity is rooted in workplace culture. If your workplace resists positive change, it might be time to find a better fit.
An opportunity for growth
Nobody’s perfect. Everyone has bad days and makes mistakes. Showing toxic behaviours does not make you a toxic person.
Self-awareness isn’t about guilt, it’s about growth. Recognizing and taking responsibility for harmful attitudes or actions is a great place to start.